They've all decided not only to date each other in never-ending cycles of incest, but to ask me for relationship advice. And sex advice. Because, you know, what I really want to do is listen to their relationship and sex problems and then ADVISE them on it as opposed to pretending I don't know them.

The rest of them are freaking out about how the gays might be hitting on them, existing in our suburb, making out with each other to piss off the straights, or being bisexual and therefore either not existing or having an experimental phase.

Great. I'm never talking to anyone again. Except you people. Maybe.

“They've all decided not only to date each other in never-ending cycles of incest, but to ask me for relationship advice. And sex advice”

Some picture’s would be nice.

In Response to sentdata (#26572):

Pictures of people asking for sex advice?

Or are you just looking for pictures of sex?

In Response to unFalln (#26573):

Considering the context I would say that he's looking for pictures of people asking for sex advice. Or maybe pictures of Sniper giving sex advice. I guess it would all depend on how "hands on" she is - but from the sound of her post I would assume that the possibility of having her hands on her friends at the moment is out of the question.

In Response to GeminiCrash (#26574):

If only I had been prepared. She gave me advice, and I had ready access to an 8mpx camera. We could've had hi res sex advice pictures.

In Response to unFalln (#26576):

If only I had been prepared.

That basically sums up the entire weekend, doesn't it?

In Response to zamphir (#26577):

Why stop at just a weekend?

In Response to unFalln (#26578):

Why stop at just a weekend?

I don't have sufficient information to speculate any further than that...

But I'll gladly take your word for it.

If you're looking for adventure of a new and different kind....

In Response to zamphir (#26579):

I don't have sufficient information...

That particular weekend, I was prepared for pretty much everything except for taking photos of Snipergirl giving sex advice (about the barmaid, no less. mmm... Melbourne barmaid...)

It was the rest of the week with the family that I wasn't prepared for.

Because, you know, what I really want to do is listen to their relationship and sex problems and then ADVISE them on it as opposed to pretending I don't know them.

No. You've got it all wrong. Listen to them. Confide in them. Let them tell you all their dirty little problems.
Give them 'advice' by asking questions which gets them to figure out their own answers like "Well what do you want to do?", "Have you thought about this?", "Are you sure?", etc.
After a while YOU'LL have so much potential blackmail info you will own them. It's perfect. I'm jealous.

In Response to unFalln (#26580):

Ooh, and your not-so-secret admirer! And that crazy scary woman at the Elephant and the Wheelbarrow!

What the hell happened to you for the rest of that week?

In Response to Rich (#26582):

I am intrigued by your method and lack of morals... sign me up! I wish to take your self-improvement course. Will I get free steak knives with that?

I'm not logging in because I suck.

Try anal sex.

By which I mean, no matter what kind of advice they actually want, just say anal sex, as in:

Them: I was wondering if you could offer me some sex advi--

You: ANAL SEX!

That should shut them up.

In Response to Lonely Goatherd (#26591):

I'm not logging in because I suck.

Try anal sex.

I can't work out whether you are a lazy member of these forums who's phrased your post oddly, or just a gay man.

Not sure what oral sex has to do with logging in... oh wait. Oh no. I think I got it.

That's dirty.

In Response to zamphir (#26579):

Don't be nervous, don't be flustered, don't be scared!
Be prepared!

In Response to snipergirl (#26586):

Family happened to me. They live more out in the sticks than I do.

And I live in CAIRNS.

In Response to Lonely Goatherd (#26591):

Anonymous Coward, how excruciating it must be to suffer from inhibitions so deeply you can't even identify yourself when you make a comment.

What a world. At the moment, i have two postulations for its existence. The first is that it is here merely for my amusement; how else can one explain all the absurdity? The second is that i am here by mistake, and the alien spacecraft is long overdue to pick me up and transport me off to the proper planet or alternate dimension of reality...

... wherein anal sex is one of the many lovely aspects of our lives, and inhibition is alien.

In Response to Teledildonix (#26597):

Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.

In Response to unFalln (#26598):

You may be right.
I may be crazy.
[The rest of this verse may be inapplicable, but it's fun to daydream.]

I wish there were a readily accessible alternate reality [goats.com] for those of us who are desperate to find one different from this. I doubt i'd choose Topeka Prima, nor even the Universe Of Ale, but you might be able sympathize with my general sentiment.

In Response to snipergirl (#26592):

Okay, last time I didn't log in because, basically, I have added goats.com to my hosts file to avoid spending all my time here, and then circumvented that by going to the site via hornyspider.com. But, you can't log in through hornyspider.com, just post anonymously. Hence, because I'm stupid, I can't log in, and hence I didn't log in.

Of course, now that I've been so grossly, publicly, and admirably shamed, I'm certainly not disclosing my identity.

In Response to Lonely Goatherd (#26604):

Hmmm... I'm sure we should be able to work out who you are according to your sense of humour, the fact that you appear to have disappeared since of late and your writing style...

Any guesses?

In Response to unFalln (#26595):

I don't think they could be much more in the sticks than where I am right at this very moment... Horsham, population 18,000, 300 km from Melbourne, 400 km from Adelaide.

In Response to snipergirl (#26610):

A literary forensic [goats.com] analysis might suggest that the cowardly comment came from the deadly delicious karaoke diva, or from his evil twin.

My guess might be totally wrong. But as they say, "Virginia is for lovers." It's also apparently for people who are tremendously hung-up on issues of equality, homosexuality, sexual liberty, personal liberty in general, and overwhelming xenophobia.

Don't get me wrong-- if that original comment was written by Death*, i'm just trying to tease him. And i don't ascribe any of those above criticisms to him, except possibly the bit about sexual hang-ups if he is indeed the anonymous author in question. And i'm also sure that overgeneralizing is a bad idea, because there are probably a million folks in Virginia who aren't xenophobic, ultra-conformist, hatemongering puritanical zealots. But they're the minority.

From what i can deduce, they're the minority everywhere. So i guess that makes Virginia very "normal".

Okay, enough of my rambling rant… i'll now return to my daydreams of otherworldly rescue.

In Response to Teledildonix (#26613):

If it wasn't him, he would have to speak up to disprove it, at which time he would be over-reacting, therefore making him guilty!

GUILTY!!

In Response to unFalln (#26614):

If it wasn't him

And LG' actually used the word "sex", so we know it wasn't you!

And we can clearly determine that it wasn't me... since how is it possible I could not set up a computer to sign me in?

In Response to zamphir (#26616):

And the writing is too subtle to be me I guess.